Not that I don’t want other people to read my writing…I do. Eventually. And it’s not that I don’t have readers in mind while I write. I’m always thinking, “Okay, is this going to interest anyone other than me?” and “This is going to bore people” and things like that. But ultimately I write these stories because I want to see them on paper. I suppose I’m writing the sort of book I’d like to read. Even if everyone else thinks the book stinks, I’ll still want to read it. Bit narcissistic, I guess. My point is, I’m not really doing this FOR anyone else. I want people to be interested, but I’m not going to write stories just to please them.

Now art, on the other hand, is a whole different thing with me. And when I say “my art”, let me clarify that I’m talking about the art I do that doesn’t have anything to do with what I’m writing. If I’m drawing book stuff, I’m still technically in writer mode. Other than story-related pieces, I really don’t make art for myself. I’m not one to make stuff that I’d hang on the wall…unless I was creating the piece specifically TO hang on the wall. I think my wands even fall into this category. I like making them, but I’m not so much making them for me as I am making them for Someone Else.

And when I do make art for a specific purpose, or for a specific person, I work much faster. What would probably take me a week doing it for myself, I can create in a day for someone else. The whole process just becomes easier. I don’t know why that is…I’ve only recently observed THAT it is, for me. I don’t do art for its own sake. I don’t just draw because I “feel” like it. I have to have a purpose in mind.

And on the other hand, when I try to write something for someone else? The process bogs down. I hate writing essays, for instance, and how-to’s. Even if it’s a subject that interests me, it’s just never as satisfying as working on my novel. Have anyone else noticed that book and movie reviews on this blog are few and far between? I don’t enjoy writing them. Because it’s the sort of writing one does more for other people than for yourself (after all, you’ve read the book or seen the movie…you don’t have to tell yourself what you thought about it). It’s difficult, and the result is not satisfying. I have to write for its own sake; trying to squeeze an objective in there is hard.

So I have two creative outlets which I enjoy and am fairly skilled at: writing and visual art. My writing belongs to me. My art belongs to the world, I guess. I wonder if I was always like this, or if choosing to pursue writing over art caused my brain to wire itself this way. If I’d chosen to concentrate on art instead, would it be the other way around?

Has anyone else with multiple creative interests noticed something like this about themselves?

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“For some, music is not just a pastime.
It’s an undeniable fact of living.
A blissful slavery of mind, body and soul.
To rise above the ashes of mediocrity is rare,
Yet the gift of song is freely handed out to anyone who cares to receive it,
Instantly shattering our daily drudgery.

“And so they say – Watch Me Bleed”

By Hanson. Of course.

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O_O

Has it really been that long…?

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Anonymous(2)

As you may notice, I’ve added a page on top with pictures of all the wands and such that I’ve made. Like the Projects page, I will be updating it from time to time as I finish new pieces.

I’m also going to add an Artwork page, but I haven’t quite decided whether to restrict it to art that’s related to my writing, or have it just be anything and everything. What would people like to see?

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One, our culture really doesn’t allow people to grieve in public. Nobody wants to watch people get emotional; it makes everyone else uncomfortable. But I was struck, yesterday, by how much unnecessary pressure this puts on people. It’s a whole lot harder to hold back grief than it is to let it out, and I would imagine it’s not healthy to hold back. Yet this is what our society demands of us. Makes me appreciate certain Middle Eastern cultures, where weeping and wailing in public is accepted and in fact, expected. I mean, when they grieve, they go all out. They cry out, and beat the ground, and tear their clothes, and cut their hair. It seems over the top until you’ve actually experienced grief like that…then you understand how freeing such actions are.

Two, I can never know for certain what it’s like to experience something without actually experiencing it for myself. I know that I as a writer…and maybe a lot of fiction writers do this…will find myself thinking that I’m more in tune with how people think and how people really feel than they are themselves. It’s an arrogant state of mind, and yesterday I was confronted by what utter bullshit it is. I can’t fully imagine that kind of grief because I haven’t been through the circumstances. It was potent enough being on the fringes of it…actually experiencing it? I can’t imagine. It’s a humbling thing for me as a writer to have to admit.

My job is to put myself in my characters’ shoes, but sometimes I do need to step back and admit that sometimes I don’t know what a particular feeling or thought or event is really like. I certainly don’t have the right to assume that because I habitually put myself in other people’s shoes, that I possess a surer grasp of an emotion than someone who’s actually gone through it. I’m good at guessing and mimicking how people think, and of course I know how I think. But I was struck yesterday by how much of what I know about people is simply outside observation, and not internal knowledge.

The only person I can ever truly know is myself.

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Anonymous(5)piglet

I think the last film I saw starring DiCaprio was Titanic, when I was what…12? 13? It’s not that I don’t like him as an actor, although there is a part of me that still remembers the Titanic hype and secretly thinks DiCaprio will never live that down. But mostly it’s because he’s been in movies that I had no real interest in seeing. I’d heard that the Aviator was good, but personally I found the trailers for it cringe-worthy. DiCaprio simply cannot do an authentic-sounding southern accent. Yikes.

But you know…he’s not a bad actor. In fact, after watching Inception last night I’d say he’s a pretty good actor. He emotes very well and he never sounds like he’s just reading lines.

I’m not a fan of the action genre, most of the time. Inception was certainly that, but they managed to include a number of sympathetic characters, which made all the difference in the world. The movie was also unpredictable in a way that not many movies lately have been…where there are times when you genuinely don’t know what the characters are going to choose. That said, I caught myself in writer mode several times, thinking things like, “Ah, they’re raising the stakes again” or “this is an info dump” or “ooh, interesting symbolism”.

The story told in Inception revolves around one basic idea: “What is real? And how do you know?” Which put me in mind of another story that asked the same question: The Matrix. Now most people acknowledge that the first Matrix movie was very good, while the next two were anywhere from so-so to utter crap, depending on who you ask. The conclusion, in particular, was very disappointing. I did some brainstorming last night, comparing the two stories, trying to figure out why Inception succeeded and the Matrix failed.

I think it has to do with promises and expectations. An author, knowingly or not, will set up a certain number of promises that the reader will expect to be met by the end of the story. If the story begins with a question, the end needs to answer that question. If the story begins with a certain character, the end also needs to be about that character. If the story begins with a quest, the quest needs to be completed. You can’t mix those up. If you begin a story with a troubled character, that character can save the whole world but if their inner conflict isn’t solved, the audience won’t be satisfied. Conversely, if you begin a story with a threat to the world, and then proceed to tell a great story about a set of characters whose arcs are all neatly wrapped up at the end, it won’t be enough. There’s a great book by Orson Scott Card that deals with this: How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Inception accomplished what it set out to do. The characters are given the task to perform inception on a person, and they do it. The main character starts out with a lot of inner conflict, which is resolved at the end. Even the little zinger at the end serves a purpose. It provides an answer to the underlying question of the story: “How do you know what’s real?” Answer: “You can’t always know”.

So where did the Matrix fail?

The overall story of the Matrix failed because the ending did not fulfill the promise set forth in the beginning. The overarching problem was that machines had enslaved the entire human race and were using them as fuel. The hope of the resistance was to one day overthrow the machines and free everyone from the Matrix. That was the promise. The crux of the rebellion was the One…Neo. Neo was going to save the human race. That was the promise.

Only…that’s not quite what happened. The story ended with a compromise. Neo’s unique status as the One didn’t matter in the end…only his ability to kill Smith as a bargaining chip. The war was not won at all, and what was gained in the end really had more to do with Agent Smith than with Neo. That’s not what we were promised. Neo’s sacrifice didn’t win freedom for the entire human race…only the ones who “wanted” to leave the Matrix. The machines weren’t defeated…they stood down. It’s a plausible ending, perhaps even realistic…but it’s not the ending the audience was promised, and I think that’s why everyone was so disappointed without knowing why. The machines should have been taken down. Nothing short of that would do.

I also think Agent Smith should have eventually joined the human cause. Not as an ally, exactly, but he was well on his way to “going native”, as it were. He was a perfect antagonist in the first movie, but I think his character had the potential to be more than what it was. I’m sure everyone appreciates the irony of him comparing humans to a virus, and then him practically becoming a virus himself. But they didn’t carry that arc to its conclusion. Agent Smith, like the human resisters, was once a part of the system before getting “unplugged”. He began to think and act in ways that were remarkably human, if you think about it. He was becoming the very thing he despised, and I think he should have been made to face it within the story. But the writers made him too much of an outright villain. He was trapped in that role, and the story suffered for it. The final battle between Neo and Smith was one of the most anti-climactic scenes I’ve ever watched onscreen, and I’m pretty sure that’s because something within me knew that Smith wasn’t supposed to be the ultimate enemy. That wasn’t the expectation set forth in the beginning.

He might not have ever joined the humans…in fact I think it would be far better if he didn’t…but I think he could have been talked into turning against the system, against the machines. The system was the ultimate enemy in the Matrix, after all…not the agents. Agent Smith and Neo should have brought down the system together, not as allies, but as enemies with a common enemy. Then, afterwards, Neo would let him walk away. (Smith would probably be inclined to fight Neo to the death, but that would be anti-climactic.)

See, letting Smith walk would set up future conflict and an entirely new storyline (read, more movies).

I think what may have happened is that the writers became too enthralled with the Christ metaphor aspect of the story, while simultaneously misunderstanding the Christ metaphor. They thought having Neo sacrifice himself in the end would be enough, that having the machines back off in response to that sacrifice would make a satisfying ending. First of all, you can’t promise the downfall of the machines in the beginning and then have it all end with a compromise. Secondly, Christ may have submitted himself to death and the enemy, but he did it in order to defeat them. He didn’t haggle or compromise with death in order to gain a few benefits. He won against death. Christ won, which is why his death is satisfying. (Please keep in mind that I’m not speaking from a religious perspective, but a narrative one). Christ’s death accomplishes what the man set out to accomplish, even if it wasn’t quite what his disciples or the enemy had in mind. The hero’s sacrifice means nothing if it doesn’t accomplish what the story set out to accomplish. Neo could have still died at the end, but his death should have bought the downfall of the system…not just a compromise.

Anyway, go see Inception. It’s a good movie. And I guess we can always hope that someone will eventually come along and redo the second two Matrix movies…but I’m not holding my breath.

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Right now I’m working on Inkheart, another book that I’ve seen the movie of. Pretty good so far.

I have a ridiculous weakness for M&Ms. In case the blog itself doesn’t give that away.

You might notice that I’ve tweaked the sidebar a little bit. That picture (and yes, that is me) is one the hubby took while we were in North Carolina. It was a nice foggy day, which made for some very neat photo opportunities. I also finally figured out how to eliminate the search thingy at the top. I never liked it there. I’ll probably put it somewhere else in the sidebar, so the blog is still easily searchable.

I’ve been thinking about the logistics of the coup Raphel is planning for the city of Aschera. I’d only given it so much thought the first time around, and I’m realizing that I really need to know how it’s going to work. I need to know how the government functions. I need to know how Cowls occupy the cities they conquer. I need to know what they do with the cowan citizenry of conqured places. I need to decide what they will do with the majahel students at the school who don’t escape. I need to decide how many cabals it would take to occupy a large city like Aschera, and how Raphel is going to contact these cabals. I need to figure out all the complications that will arise when Raphel basically bails on his cabal right after they’ve captured the city.

Aschamon’s professors are also the governing body of Aschera. The High Priestess is the High Priestess of that entire region; her role as headmistress of the school is really more of a side job for her. As commander-in-chief of the forces from the Aschera region, she is occasionally called out into the field, and thus absent from the school for days at a time. Donnevan, the Angelic Studies professor, acts as head of the school in her stead. A group of nine or ten professors make the larger decisions for the city as a whole, and each has a number of guild heads and craftmasters that report to them.

Students pay a tuition to attend Aschamon, but those who can’t afford it are generally taken on scholarship anyway. (This only applies to local students…student from outside cities like Chisge pay tuition, and it tends to be a little higher). The city tithes to the school, and provides for scholarship students and generally what tuition doesn’t cover. Aschamon students are encouraged to work in the city, offering services only majahel can provide. The more a business or trade donates to the school, the cheaper majahel services become for them. In the last couple of decades, Aschamon also began demanding a tax on top of the tithe, to better fund the war. After the capture of Iadnah, the last really big Cowl stronghold, the war turned in the Mantles’ favor. Thus they stepped up their efforts, hoping to finish it in a few short years. However, the tax began to really hurt some Aschera businesses, which led to closures and the price of certain items rising. Fewer families could afford to pay for their young majahel to attend Aschamon, but since the war was “almost over”, Aschamon felt they really couldn’t turn any aspiring student away. Thus, Aschamon began to have a surplus of scholarship students, which then put more pressure on the city to provide for the school’s needs…and thus more business and families began to hurt, financially. It’s a vicious cycle that Aschamon’s professors are aware of, but choose to ignore…because they are still hoping that if the Mantles can just push a little longer, the Cowls will be defeated once and for all.

I need to decide how many people live in Aschera. Luckily I had already sat down at some point and worked out all the logistics of Cowl raider culture. A typical cabal of raiders has anywhere from 15-40 members, average being 20 or so. Raphel’s cabal has 17-18, but these are very, very good, because Raphel has the reputation to be selective in who he allows to join. I’m deciding that Geris’ cabal has closer to 40, but he tends to attract the scum of Cowl society and as such, his crew is more of a rabble or mob than an trim fighting unit.

When Cowl cabals join together to accomplish a bigger mission, the operation is called a raid. Yes, I totally stole that from Warcraft. The term works. The ras from each cabal get together and decide who is going to lead the raid, by duel if necessary. The other ras in the raid function like suras to the ras in charge of the whole operation, but maintain control of their own cabals.

I think there needs to be two, possibly three more cabals involved to effectively occupy Aschera. When both Raphel and Mora disappear through Saeli’s portal, Raphel’s cabal is probably going to be taken over by a fellow named Jaime. (If the ras of a cabal dies/abdicates/is captured/etc., command of the cabal goes to the suras. In the unlikely event that both the ras and suras are killed/abducted/whatever at the same time, command goes to whomever is strong enough to take charge.) The fifteen of them will probably be nominally in charge of the whole occupation effort…until Raphel returns, that is. Thus, Jaime will be ras of the Aschera raid.

We’ll have Geris’ cabal still there, under the command of Egan, their suras. However, Egan is going to be killed by the student resistance, and I think after that the whole cabal is going to fall apart. Some of them might migrate to the other cabals, but on the whole, they’ll probably just take what they can and slink out of the city in the night.

We’ll have Teja’s cabal. I didn’t introduce her until the third book in the first draft, and I may still save her for then. Teja has a relatively large cabal, let’s say 30 or so, and she’s reasonably competent. After Egan is killed and the remnant of Raphel’s cabal abandons Aschera when Raphel returns, Teja will claim leadership of the occupation and become ras of the Aschera raid.

So we need at least one additional cabal, possibly two. Maybe two smaller ones of about 15-20. These are probably going to be Cowls that Raphel or possibly Mora knows, and trusts. I haven’t decided which of them knew Teja.

Now, the occupation itself. As a rule, majahel don’t kill cowans if they don’t have to. It’s kind of like the soldier/civilian dynamic…you don’t kill civilians if you can help it, and you certainly don’t target them. Killing cowans is bad form. Using cowans as cover is cowardly. Etc. Thus, the Aschera raid isn’t going to kill everyone in the city. Also, Prof Micah and Prof Lo do manage to get a sizable chunk of Aschera’s citizenry away from the city before the other cabals get there, so probably large parts of the city are going to be empty.

The students are somewhat of a gray area. On one hand, they are all majahel. On the other hand, a lot of them are not trained enough to really be a threat. The senior red cords and the Anjahel students are obvious threats. Probably any student sixteen or older will be treated as a threat, though the Cowls might decide to imprison them instead of executing them. The younger Mantle students would be treated like cowans. The gray students may be given the opportunity to take the Cowl.

Aschera’s going to get looted and torched pretty bad. Cowls are more accepting of looting than Mantles. (Not that Mantles don’t loot. They do. They just pretend they don’t, or they call it something else.) Aside from Geris’ mob, many of whom are thieves anyway…every Cowl that enters the city is going to take stuff. Plus, taking Aschera is the ultimate payback for Iadnah, and I’m sure the raid is going to destroy everything they don’t need, simply for revenge.

Aschamon is going to become the staging ground for the raid, and as such, the dormitories are probably going to be where they all sleep.

This is what Saeli is going to come back to. Not to mention a very pissed roommate who blames her for it all.

Alas, it is late, so I must give off my brainstorming for the night.

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Or maybe it’s because I’m writing a Saeli/Brendan conflict scene, and that’s harder to do from Saeli’s head. I dunno. It ought to be easier, because I’ve got a solid pipeline to Saeli’s internal state of mind. But for some reason, I’m having a hard time generating the necessary emotion to make this scene work. The scene needs to happen, and it needs to happen onscreen. It escalates the tension between Saeli and Brendan, so that Brendan’s later drug experimentation and subsequent explosion at Saeli makes sense. Otherwise, Brendan is going to look like he’s overreacting, and the reader isn’t going to have a clear idea why.

However, maybe I’m trying to milk it too much. Maybe it needs to be extremely short, and maybe Brendan actually holds back a lot of what he’d like to say. I was going to have this fight undermine a lot of the confidence Saeli has just gained in Raphel…but reading that just now, I’m realizing that I can’t do that. I mean, we’ve just had a big reveal in the story. I’ve turned Saeli’s world upside down, and she needs to ride that for a while. Her thoughts need to marinate before I dump the next big thing on her.

And to some extent, I want Brendan’s blow-up at the graduation party to shock Saeli. She needs to know he’s upset, but I don’t think she or the reader needs to know just how much the boyfriend thing has been eating at him until it all comes out. Brendan’s pain is a major consequence of her joining forces with Raphel, and as such, it needs to hit her at the appropriate time.

So this little fight needs to be short and bitter, but not too intense. What needs to be revealed at this point?

-Brendan thinks Saeli has a boyfriend. Because:

-Brendan ran into Cara while looking for Saeli. Cara, concerned because Saeli hasn’t returned to campus yet, and feeling guilty about lying to Brendan in the first place, tells him the truth and sends him after her. This, perhaps, will also create a little tension between Cara and Saeli. Saeli’s going to have to keep lying to keep Raphel a secret, and this will have the effect of isolating her from her Mantle friends.

-Brendan was coming to tell Saeli that he’s earned the gold and white, and that they’ll be Anjahel together. Finding out that she tricked him in order to sneak off campus to meet a boyfriend has completely ruined this much anticipated moment for him. Thus, he is not happy.

However, the crux of his anger is not specifically that Saeli has a boyfriend. Rather, he thinks she had a boyfriend when they talked in the infirmary, and he thinks she deliberately kept it from him. He also assumes that’s why she tricked him in order to sneak off campus. Brendan is feeling like he’s being played by the girl he likes, and that really hurts. I think that’s the reveal I need to save for the graduation party. Let Saeli assume Brendan is mainly mad about the sneaking out, and then let the truth come out later, at the worst possible moment.

I think I know where this scene needs to go now. Note to self…if a scene is going slowly, maybe there’s something functionally wrong with it, and I need to step back and analyze what I’m doing.

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piglet

However, in the midst of updating, I discovered the my song links weren’t working. I must have updated something which broke the wpaudio plugin I’ve been using. I tried to get it working last night, but alas, no luck. I’m just not code-savvy enough to really know what I’m doing, and unfortunately the site for the plugin is only so helpful if you don’t know what’s wrong. So, just letting everyone know that for the time being, music on the blog doesn’t work. If I have to, I’ll switch to a different plugin.

Meanwhile, keep watching the Projects page. I’ve also added a few more links to the right side, and am about to organize them a little better.

*Update* Music works! Yay for support forums.

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Now, if you like a post I make, you can give it a high five at the bottom.

P.S. And if you have a user on the blog and are signed in, it should list your username. Otherwise, it will list you as anonymous.

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Anonymous(2)goldi8472piglet