Being in Saeli’s head
…is an experience I’m enjoying. I think part of the reason she’s such a hard nut to crack is because of how much she holds in. First person lets all that come out, while preserving her facade. Part of it is her own personality: she’s a private and introverted soul by nature, and opens up to people only slowly. But part of it stems from her effort to be good enough to wear the Mantle. White Mantle society frowns on open displays of emotion; they are quiet, reserved people (on the outside, anyway). Saeli feels things very passionately, but over the years she’s learned to dampen that fire, and only show what she thinks people want to see. Her face still gives her away if her emotions run too high, though, and she hates that about herself.
Saeli has learned to hold back her emotions to the point where she’s actually made herself a little bit numb on the inside. But once she does accept that she does feel something, it burns through her. I’m about four scenes back into the story now, and she’s spent two of those either watching Raphel or actually interacting with him. She’s definitely physically attracted to him, but interestingly enough, it hasn’t crossed her mind yet. It’s that pseudo-numbness. How she feels is irrelevant to her…how she conducts herself is everything. She’ll analyze her feelings later, in private, probably in great detail. And once she does realize what those physical reactions mean…oh, she’ll fall. Hard.
She’s also something of a pessimist, or at least a cynic, in her head. She always braces for the worst, or she looks at situations and starts thinking of how it could have been worse. She’s always examining herself, asking why she feels the way she does, criticizing herself when what she sees doesn’t line up with what she thinks should be there. She thinks through everything. A lot of that is tied up in years of thinking she’s not good enough…she won’t shake that easily. Raphel is going to nail her with that, especially once she starts dealing with her fears of not being good enough for him.
Saeli also thinks she’s a terrible liar, when in reality she’s a fairly good one. It’s just that she hates lying, and is thus sure it’s written all over her…but she’s so used to holding back that keeping secrets is not that much of a step for her. Brendan is the truly terrible liar. Cara’s average. Raphel makes an art of it.
She’s got some snark in her, sometimes, but it’s not a big part of her personality.
Anywho, that’s where I am with her so far.
Like!
