And then the post just started being about sex
Let’s start with one of those hello, I’ve always been a writer at heart moments. I was making soundtracks long before I chose to focus on writing. My playlists have to tell a story or I’m not satisfied with them.
I’ve made two new playlists over the last week…really just gathering music that seems to fit a theme. One was for To Wake a Windmaker. Lots of adventure songs, music that kind of lifts you out of yourself, makes you feel like you could do anything. Interestingly, that playlist has collected three Kutless songs, whereas before I hadn’t really listened to them. I’ve also started a soundtrack for the sequel to Shades, which is tentatively called “The Angel Experiments” at this point. Not much in that one yet, because the story is still in the very early stages of planning.
When I make a soundtrack, I usually find at first that there’s one, maybe two bands that have multiple songs that fit…and it’s not always a band I’m expecting. As the playlist grows, so does the number of “theme bands”. I also try to pick out a theme song for each story idea I come up with, which is sometimes very difficult. The songs on my Writing Projects page are theme songs, which I’ve just tweaked, actually. Theme bands keep the list together, in a way. I also like to make use of songs that I own more than one version of. It’s really neat when I can use the main version of a song in an early part of the list, and then towards the end drop in the acoustic version, or a live version, or just a different recording, to reiterate that theme in a slightly different way.
I’ve been writing like mad this week, but not really in a very organized way. Been working on the chapter I lost, the next chapter, and my “fanfic” in tandem. Mostly the fanfic…because I’ve been enjoying it way too much. But actually, it’s more than just a sex scene. (Even though it is that. Which is why I’m probably the only person who will ever see it.)
It’s actually a story-breaker. I’m writing it with the full understanding that if this scene had happened, the rest of Shades would not have. I’m exploring a lot of Raphel’s character here, specifically his past (i.e. Nasira). Nasira abused him for so long that there’s no way he could make love to a person he even remotely cared about without dealing with that demon from his past. This scene explores why Raphel waits for so long to openly turn Saeli’s romantic feelings against her in the actual story. He could have seduced her at any time; he knows how she feels about him, and he knows how to use it. But he holds back for two related reasons, one conscious, one unconscious.
His conscious reasoning is that because Nasira used his erotic feelings against him, he’s made a promise to himself to never do that to anyone else. Raphel can rip out a woman’s heart and soul, and he’d have sex if it suited him…but he’ll never make a woman admit that she loves him, and he won’t use that knowledge to take her body. What he did with Mora (he had sex with her once, in a ritualistic sense, in accordance with the old laws that required a ras and his/her second to literally consummate that relationship)…that skirted very close to the edge of his boundaries, because he knew Mora loved him and he did care about her (although not a in romantic sense). He forbade her to admit how she felt, and he made it very clear that he was only doing it to make her his second. She agreed to those terms. She loved him enough to go through the agony of being physically intimate with him on those terms. Tragically for her, she’s probably the person Raphel trusts most in the world, and she knows it. Mora lost herself the moment she stepped into that role.
But there is a certain line Raphel will not cross with Mora, because he really does care about her. He’s careful around her; he watches how he says things, watches how close he stands, makes sure their boundaries are clear. He protects her, as far as that goes. In fact, when he starts being deliberately seductive towards Mora towards the end, that’s really when Saeli understands that he’s lost himself…because even though he’s never really made it clear, Saeli knows that he would never do certain things, and taking advantage of Mora is Number 1 on that (admittedly short) list.
Now I have to see what that list would look like.
1. Never take advantage of Mora’s feelings.
2. Keep your word/ Never tell a deliberate lie.
3. Never use a woman’s feelings for him as a weapon against her.
(4. Never seduce/force a virgin.) Saeli wouldn’t know about this one.
5. Duel honorably, when possible.
6. Do what is necessary.
Raphel starts breaking #5 near the beginning of the story, and by the end of Shades, he’ll have broken #1. (Don’t know if #4 will ever come up. Probably not. It’s just something I know about Raphel.) #6 starts trumping all Raphel’s moral boundaries, one by one.
The unconscious reason Raphel refuses to truly seduce Saeli is because he is not entirely immune to falling for her. He sees a lot of himself in her. The way she resists him reminds him of the way he used to resist Nasira, and the comparison has implications he just won’t admit to himself. He knows, subconsciously, that if he does to Saeli what Nasira did to him, Saeli will either run, or turn on him. (Raphel turned on Nasira.) Saeli is too strong for him and there’s a part of him that knows it. And he cares enough about her to not want to force her into that dilemma.
If Raphel was capable of thinking in terms of healthy relationships, he would understand that Saeli is a good match for him. But as it is, all he sees is that she could get through his walls, and he can’t risk that.
Okay, enough Raphel Psychology 101. Writing an erotic scene is an interesting endeavor, to say the least. You start running out of words really fast, and it’s difficult to find synonyms that make sense/aren’t jarring/cheesy/inappropriate. Also, you kind of have to feel what you’re writing…and you learn just how much of the experience of being turned on is all in your head. And I’m sorry to say, that’s part of the fun.
On working through Shades backstory, I’ve decided that the reason there are so many old Cowl raider traditions dealing with sex is because the first mages discovered rashas qi through sex. (Rashas is fueled by strong emotion). When the discovery was made, the only way they knew to raise the energy was through sex. The first cabals began as energy circles, with the ras and his/her second as the powerhouses. The energy they raised in the bedroom, per se, was used by the whole cabal. (That’s why, specifically, the old laws require a ras and a second to be intimate. It’s also why, as Geris points out, a ras can have any woman he wants in his cabal.) Incidentally, even though such unions are no longer necessary, Cowls who are sexually intimate with each other do find it much easier to raise qi together. There are certain advantages to a linked ras and second.
Incidentally, that means that rashas qi, as a discipline, is actually a lot older than sattva. It would be interesting to work out exactly how rashas evolved out of sex energy, how sattva grew out of rashas, and how each became associated with a particular god and a particular ideology.
I think I need to come up with another term to use in place of “second”, as the position has acquired other connotations and history. That person isn’t just a second in command.
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